By Speciose Sinyigaya
My journey toward acceptance of my losses began some 22 years ago following the war in my native country of Rwanda. I remember feeling like a small leaf left alone on a branch of a tree shaken by a strong, sandy wind from the desert. I was in college in Dakar (Senegal). I remember feeling a heavy weight on my shoulders, pushing me down sometimes. I also remember going on my knees and telling Jesus my Savior, who thankfully kept His promise to never leave me, that my life was in His hands. Sometimes I was just mumbling and lacking words to use, except expressing anger and frustration regarding what was going on. I became numb.
It was also around those moments that I kept seeing signs that actually God never took a break from His work around me. In fact, He kept showing me signs that He was listening to my cries, but I could not see them because my mind was overshadowed by uncertainty and my education. I was in my senior year of College, thousands of miles away from my native country and had lost every possible contact with my family, friends, and whatever news I had was not encouraging. It was all things that can possibly be resulting from a war,
including loss of lives. It was difficult to mourn many lost lives at once.
I remember having all these dreams and excitement about going back home to continue a project on children with diabetes that I had just started. I was
already encouraged by Dr. Ornestra from the Netherlands, who had been supervising me as his intern during my practicum and also the Director of UNICEF, with whom I got in contact during my internship. These were just my earthly projects.
God had made a different plan for me. I let Him lead me. I learned how to listen and watch His signs. I did not go back to Rwanda. The more I continued seeking His wisdom to decode His voice, the more I found peace in my heart. The heaviness of my desperation and frustration about multiple losses became lighter. It is His promise that He will never forsake his people that kept me going. Deuteronomy 31:8.
Coming to America was His plan, not mine. He has blessed me with many things in many ways and used His people in my favor. It is the feelings of belonging and love that make me a whole and enable me to thrive. Through tough times I learned that God makes a way where there doesn’t seem to be a way. I learned that things like culture, language, race, class, and all other human descriptions are not God’s indication to righteousness. Through this journey, I have learned to listen, to wait, and watch God’s signs to fulfill my needs.
Those who were attending BCF in May of 1997 remember about our testimony, specifically how Ildephonse, my husband, and I were so thankful for finding a place to worship our God. BCF quickly became our family. This is just one of many countless needs that God has already fulfilled while here in the US. Almost 19 years later, He had multiplied our household by two. I see God’s everlasting love through my job as a Psychotherapist. We thrive with his provision, protection, love, and comfort. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4